STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
