i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
