Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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