We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
