Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize