My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
