Where did you get a picture of my penis
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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