3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
