News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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