I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
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