I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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