JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I use my feet as sexual weapons
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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