So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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