you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
