this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize