i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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