Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
