Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
