Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
