god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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