Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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