she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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