i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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