Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
