he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
