genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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