Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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