I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
