is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
