Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
