True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
