Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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