My liver just broke up with me...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
