I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
