11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
