No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i've created a new STD.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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