last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
