What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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