she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize