Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
