Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
