I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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