End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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