he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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