dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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