I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize