i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
