I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
