you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I understand Curling. That high.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
