mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
