its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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