I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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