he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
