It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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