I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
