Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
