We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
