so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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