my vag is so smooth its legendary
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize