5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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