i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
