isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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